Assalamualaikum.

At first, I don't even know him, I don't even like him. But I don't know how this feeling comes across. We know each other when I started searching for a guy's Twitter and I followed like all of his friends. One of his friends accepted my follow request and suddenly he asked for my introduction. Then, we moved to direct message, so he asked for my phone number and we both started WhatsApp each other like every day. I tell my friends about him and suddenly they want to play 'Truth or Dare'. So they have that little sneaky mind and dared me to ask him "Do you love me?" and surprisingly he said yes and we all like fangirling, screaming to the phone. That night, he asked me to be his and my answer is yes!! We didn't see each other until one day he asked me out.

It is our first date and our first meet! I'm so scared that he might discriminate me and might leave me out. Our first date is kinda awkward as we both use public transport and promised to meet at that place. He looks clean and boy, I think I might husband him up. He is very polite and nice.

My love towards him started to grow like crazy, I started to skip school and go on date with him even by watching a movie at the cinema. Even on Wednesday after school, we would want to meet but I have my curfew which I need to be at home before my dad comes back home from work. It's on our third date, I think, I was just messing around with him because he suddenly kisses on my cheek so I turned my face to him and suddenly he kissed me on the lips. MY FIRST KISS! I'm glad that my first kiss is being stolen by him, the one that I madly in love with. I lost! He makes me want him the most. So, I invited him to my house, so that we can make out. HE MAKES ME WANT HIM MORE until I forget who I am.

We always argued, always break up and made up. We've been doing that for 3 years and this year our relationship seems a bit clashing as I've continued my studies which are far than him like far far away. I'm okay with LDR but he seems like he want all of my attention. Every time, we on the phone he always ask for 'that' thing. I've had enough with this things. I just want this to end so bad. I'm just tired of fighting and giving!! When we break up, I always have the depression things which lead me to self-harm, anger control and suicidal thoughts. I hate it but I don't know that things are so satisfying. For once, I forgot who I am that I held a knife in my hands but then I realized I have family and I'm scared of hell. Our relationship is up and down. When I tried to like break up with him seriously, I asked for my friends' opinions but the answers are always NO and NEVER. They don't know what I've been gone through. He is nice but I can't. I don't want this to happen again. So on first January of 2018, I decided that we stay as a friend. "Kalau ada jodoh tak akan ke mana" "Kun fayakun"