Rose

Assalamualaikum,

It has been a while I haven't write. So, let me write some today.
I have a very massive overthinking which I hate so much. My thoughts are:

• Alex. It will always be Alex. Why I chose him even though he already has a girlfriend? Why did I accept him even I already have someone? Why I can't stop loving him, thinking of him? Did he already break up with his girlfriend? His girlfriend sucks and fuck she ain't pretty and she is like a plank of wood and she is old af! What did he see in me? I just can't escape from him. I can't resist when it comes to him. Please don't give me fake hope. I want to have your child our own baby. I want to live with you, just you and only you. Yes, I'm selfish!! But I only selfish when it comes to him. Why can't I have him? Why can't I even call his mine? But as long as he loves me, I don't mind.  Can I see him every day? :( Day by day, I've been addicted to him and everything about him. I was there when no one was. You will always be that person. My person. 

have you ever cried looking at someone because you start to overthink of the worst things that could happen like you’d probably lose them one day. or just because you’re so happy that you and them are a part of each other’s lives and you’re incredibly thankful of that. i have.

• I stay put I want you, I don't care I want you. I will not let anything take away what's standing in front of me. I take relationship seriously, because I'm not interested with temporary things. It takes time to build everything, love & trust. I don't want it to be wasted even for a day. I'm tired of missing him.I just hope I am trusting the right person. 

do u ever love someone so much you just don’t know how to describe it but thinking about them just makes you want to explode with love & joy for them & u just wanna hold them tight & never let go bc u just love everything about them & they're just so great 

• Alpha Sierra. Why did he always call me? What did he want? I don't want him. I hate him. I hate that I knew and met him. Do I still have feelings for him? Do I? He was there for me sometimes when no one was. He loves me so much that he even still look for me. I want to stop this like seriously. 

do you ever just sit there and realize that you mean nothing to anyone and you start feeling lost, alone, and unloved, and truly unwanted

Assalamualaikum.

Alex. I'm scared of losing him. I would give anything I have to others but not him. I don't want anyone to have him or take him away from me.

I first met him at university. At first, I don't have any intention looking for a man as i still in relationship with 'Alpha Sierra'. It was my first class with him and my seat was at the front so you know i don't have to make any interaction with anybody. Suddenly the lecturer asked me to describe myself, so i got up and explain about myself. I heard the boys were cat-calling and some I heard "aku nak kenal lah dengan dia". I wasn't expect more as I want to really into studies and I want to achieve my dreams here. So yeah, men are trash. The class ended early. When i was on my way to toilet, a guy admonished me asking for my name. I told him my name and he told his name is Alex (not real name) and he said that we were in the same class. I was like 'okay man, i had to pee. ciao' kind of look and I rushed to the loo. That night, a guy texted me. Actually, i don't really look forward but somehow i texted him back with hi and the contact name is the same as a guy who was admonished me early, Alex. So, literally i didn't expect more and i didn't ask him where did he get my number as him and I are under one faculty, maybe he found my number in the faculty's group. We texted each other like everyday. I tried to stop because I already have someone in my head and in my heart. But i kinda like it somehow! We talked rubbish every day and on the phone every night. I feel sorry to my boyfriend but I don't know what to do and what to say *sigh*

One day, I get his social media's username then I stalked. What hurt me the most is he HAS GIRLFRIEND! Can you imagine how terrible my mind that time? How can a guy who has girlfriend still can flirt with other girl, f off! I stalked him and her everyday until now. I know that I'm pathetic but i don't know why I started to grow feeling towards him. I keep to myself and I didn't tell him. I'm happy outside but inside hm..I'm lost.

We always hang out, we always went for a 'date'. I followed him everywhere when he asked me out even to buy some instant noodles because yeah I love him and I don't know if he really loves me or not. We both expressed our inner feeling to each other. Suddenly, we are like couple but we didn't declare as an item. One night, it was just him and I. I asked him the thing I shouldn't ask. "You have girlfriend, right?" he nodded. "And you have boyfriend, right?" I nodded slowly. I asked him why, why he choose me when he already has someone in his heart. His answer was he just want to befriended with me at first and he didn't know how the feelings can grow for me. I sighed and I cried. I ditched my boyfriend because of him, I thought he can help me but I was wrong. I love him so much that I don't want him away from me. He said he will take care of me, he wants to marry me. I don't know if it's true or not. If true, why he is still with his girlfriend. I'm confused. I hate having relationship. I think he is sincere but at night I start overthinking. We hold hands and we have done a lot of things like a couple would do. We seems to have a lot in common but who knows dia bukan jodoh kita. But till now, I still holding into him. I love you, Alex. I really do.

Assalamualaikum.

This song really relates to me. It's like describing my relationship. I've had enough of everything! I just want this thing to end quickly.

Assalamualaikum.

At first, I don't even know him, I don't even like him. But I don't know how this feeling comes across. We know each other when I started searching for a guy's Twitter and I followed like all of his friends. One of his friends accepted my follow request and suddenly he asked for my introduction. Then, we moved to direct message, so he asked for my phone number and we both started WhatsApp each other like every day. I tell my friends about him and suddenly they want to play 'Truth or Dare'. So they have that little sneaky mind and dared me to ask him "Do you love me?" and surprisingly he said yes and we all like fangirling, screaming to the phone. That night, he asked me to be his and my answer is yes!! We didn't see each other until one day he asked me out.

It is our first date and our first meet! I'm so scared that he might discriminate me and might leave me out. Our first date is kinda awkward as we both use public transport and promised to meet at that place. He looks clean and boy, I think I might husband him up. He is very polite and nice.

My love towards him started to grow like crazy, I started to skip school and go on date with him even by watching a movie at the cinema. Even on Wednesday after school, we would want to meet but I have my curfew which I need to be at home before my dad comes back home from work. It's on our third date, I think, I was just messing around with him because he suddenly kisses on my cheek so I turned my face to him and suddenly he kissed me on the lips. MY FIRST KISS! I'm glad that my first kiss is being stolen by him, the one that I madly in love with. I lost! He makes me want him the most. So, I invited him to my house, so that we can make out. HE MAKES ME WANT HIM MORE until I forget who I am.

We always argued, always break up and made up. We've been doing that for 3 years and this year our relationship seems a bit clashing as I've continued my studies which are far than him like far far away. I'm okay with LDR but he seems like he want all of my attention. Every time, we on the phone he always ask for 'that' thing. I've had enough with this things. I just want this to end so bad. I'm just tired of fighting and giving!! When we break up, I always have the depression things which lead me to self-harm, anger control and suicidal thoughts. I hate it but I don't know that things are so satisfying. For once, I forgot who I am that I held a knife in my hands but then I realized I have family and I'm scared of hell. Our relationship is up and down. When I tried to like break up with him seriously, I asked for my friends' opinions but the answers are always NO and NEVER. They don't know what I've been gone through. He is nice but I can't. I don't want this to happen again. So on first January of 2018, I decided that we stay as a friend. "Kalau ada jodoh tak akan ke mana" "Kun fayakun"

Assalamualaikum.

Here's some lyrics of this song entitled 'Losin' Control' which describes me now.

She's fallin' in love now
Losin' control now
Fightin' the truth
Tryin' to hide
But I think it's alright girl
Yeah, I think it's alright girl
She's fallin' in love now
Losin' control now
Fightin' the truth
Tryin' to hide
But I think it's alright girl
Yeah, I think it's alright girl

She's falling but she doesn't think you'll catch her
Cause her last relationship was a disaster
Accusations everyday she didn't know why
All her calls would be ignored he's on his own time
Shoulda' ended it before it started
All she ever got was broken hearted
He was cheating on her tryna' flip it
Back on her like a victim
Now she's all alone and starting over
Now she's got baggage on her shoulder
But the new guy really loves her
She loves him but she doesn't trust herself anymore

She's fallin' in love now
Losin' control now
Fightin' the truth
Tryin' to hide
But I think it's alright girl
Yeah, I think it's alright girl
She's fallin' in love now
Losin' control now
Fightin' the truth
Tryin' to hide
But I think it's alright girl
Yeah, I think it's alright girl

Despite her past she can't help the attraction
He tells her that he's nothing like the last one
He redefines in every way what love is
She fell for him and hasn't gotten' up since
Every now and then she goes off though
Beating on his chest like a bongo
He understands she's coming from a hurt place
Answers all the questions on her survey
Doesn't get jealous, doesn't break trust
Doesn't call a hoe after hang ups
Gives her everything she ever wanted
And even though she still feels haunted

She's fallin' in love now
Losin' control now
Fightin' the truth
Tryin' to hide
But I think it's alright girl
Yeah, I think it's alright girl
She's fallin' in love now
Losin' control now
Fightin' the truth
Tryin' to hide
But I think it's alright girl
Yeah, I think it's alright girl

Losin' Control

Assalamualaikum.

This is my very first post, so my name is rose. Basically rose is my nick(not)name. I actually made up my mind to use this name to hide the real me. I'm 20 years old this year. I don't know why time flies so fast and now me being an adult. Woah just woah! I'm having depression which leads to self-harm, anger control and suicidal thoughts. Back in 2017, i'm having a very hard time and i barely survived. I hope this 2018 can bring me back the happiness that i left in 2016. I just want to be happy. I need someone that can help me, someone that really love me, someone that can understand me, someone that can accept my flaws and my attitude. I need happiness. This blog is where i write my unexplained feelings and i need some support. Thank you and i love you.