Rose

Assalamualaikum,

It has been a while I haven't write. So, let me write some today.
I have a very massive overthinking which I hate so much. My thoughts are:

• Alex. It will always be Alex. Why I chose him even though he already has a girlfriend? Why did I accept him even I already have someone? Why I can't stop loving him, thinking of him? Did he already break up with his girlfriend? His girlfriend sucks and fuck she ain't pretty and she is like a plank of wood and she is old af! What did he see in me? I just can't escape from him. I can't resist when it comes to him. Please don't give me fake hope. I want to have your child our own baby. I want to live with you, just you and only you. Yes, I'm selfish!! But I only selfish when it comes to him. Why can't I have him? Why can't I even call his mine? But as long as he loves me, I don't mind.  Can I see him every day? :( Day by day, I've been addicted to him and everything about him. I was there when no one was. You will always be that person. My person. 

have you ever cried looking at someone because you start to overthink of the worst things that could happen like you’d probably lose them one day. or just because you’re so happy that you and them are a part of each other’s lives and you’re incredibly thankful of that. i have.

• I stay put I want you, I don't care I want you. I will not let anything take away what's standing in front of me. I take relationship seriously, because I'm not interested with temporary things. It takes time to build everything, love & trust. I don't want it to be wasted even for a day. I'm tired of missing him.I just hope I am trusting the right person. 

do u ever love someone so much you just don’t know how to describe it but thinking about them just makes you want to explode with love & joy for them & u just wanna hold them tight & never let go bc u just love everything about them & they're just so great 

• Alpha Sierra. Why did he always call me? What did he want? I don't want him. I hate him. I hate that I knew and met him. Do I still have feelings for him? Do I? He was there for me sometimes when no one was. He loves me so much that he even still look for me. I want to stop this like seriously. 

do you ever just sit there and realize that you mean nothing to anyone and you start feeling lost, alone, and unloved, and truly unwanted

Assalamualaikum.

Alex. I'm scared of losing him. I would give anything I have to others but not him. I don't want anyone to have him or take him away from me.

I first met him at university. At first, I don't have any intention looking for a man as i still in relationship with 'Alpha Sierra'. It was my first class with him and my seat was at the front so you know i don't have to make any interaction with anybody. Suddenly the lecturer asked me to describe myself, so i got up and explain about myself. I heard the boys were cat-calling and some I heard "aku nak kenal lah dengan dia". I wasn't expect more as I want to really into studies and I want to achieve my dreams here. So yeah, men are trash. The class ended early. When i was on my way to toilet, a guy admonished me asking for my name. I told him my name and he told his name is Alex (not real name) and he said that we were in the same class. I was like 'okay man, i had to pee. ciao' kind of look and I rushed to the loo. That night, a guy texted me. Actually, i don't really look forward but somehow i texted him back with hi and the contact name is the same as a guy who was admonished me early, Alex. So, literally i didn't expect more and i didn't ask him where did he get my number as him and I are under one faculty, maybe he found my number in the faculty's group. We texted each other like everyday. I tried to stop because I already have someone in my head and in my heart. But i kinda like it somehow! We talked rubbish every day and on the phone every night. I feel sorry to my boyfriend but I don't know what to do and what to say *sigh*

One day, I get his social media's username then I stalked. What hurt me the most is he HAS GIRLFRIEND! Can you imagine how terrible my mind that time? How can a guy who has girlfriend still can flirt with other girl, f off! I stalked him and her everyday until now. I know that I'm pathetic but i don't know why I started to grow feeling towards him. I keep to myself and I didn't tell him. I'm happy outside but inside hm..I'm lost.

We always hang out, we always went for a 'date'. I followed him everywhere when he asked me out even to buy some instant noodles because yeah I love him and I don't know if he really loves me or not. We both expressed our inner feeling to each other. Suddenly, we are like couple but we didn't declare as an item. One night, it was just him and I. I asked him the thing I shouldn't ask. "You have girlfriend, right?" he nodded. "And you have boyfriend, right?" I nodded slowly. I asked him why, why he choose me when he already has someone in his heart. His answer was he just want to befriended with me at first and he didn't know how the feelings can grow for me. I sighed and I cried. I ditched my boyfriend because of him, I thought he can help me but I was wrong. I love him so much that I don't want him away from me. He said he will take care of me, he wants to marry me. I don't know if it's true or not. If true, why he is still with his girlfriend. I'm confused. I hate having relationship. I think he is sincere but at night I start overthinking. We hold hands and we have done a lot of things like a couple would do. We seems to have a lot in common but who knows dia bukan jodoh kita. But till now, I still holding into him. I love you, Alex. I really do.